19/06: In the Belly of a Whale
I have a good excuse for not blogging for the past few days...I have been in the Belly of a Whale. So many times I am guilty of reading Scripture and then thinking how crazy and stubborn some of the people I read about are. I can't believe how stiffed necked the mid-exodus Israelites were after seeing all of God's provisions, miracles, judgments and great deliverance. I could not believe how after only three days had past from the Red Sea being parted, the people of God became bitter over bitter water. I had a hard time with Peter's denial of Christ after all he had seen and witnessed. I shake my head in disbelief as I read about all of the evil King's and people throughout all of both books of Samuel, Kings and Chronicles. I can't fathom why Jonah was so defiant that he refused to preach to the Ninevites, because he did not want them to repent and be saved.
Well, when I left the US, I had certain expectations as to how the Lord was going to move to accomplish building (remodeling) the house we are moving into (in only 2 weeks from when I left), and moving my wife and daughter while I am here building the Lord's house for His children in Malawi. I guess I had this expectation of this quid-pro-quo agreement that I had with the Lord that I would do things here the way He wanted, and He would do things at home in the way I wanted. What a joke right?! I can just imagine all of the hazing I will get in heaven from the Saints that went on before me, like Peter, Jonah, etc., for not getting the basics all the while dismayed with their behavior.
For the past three days, since Monday, I have been in the belly of a whale...just like my friend Jonah. And just like Jonah, mine was self-inflicted as well. It would probably help to explain.
For the past three days, I have been unable to blog because I was afraid that my "speech" would not be with "Grace." This was because the people that I thought the Lord was surely going to use, in my timeframe no less, were not able to help (or at least as much in our limited time frame) after all. I had actually considered paying a ridiculous fee to change my ticket to go home immediately, thereby running from what the Lord's call was for me here in this hour, because I was so hurt over the tears my wife was shedding as she was worried about things not getting done and having very little help.
You see, every time I have ever gone away (20++ trips) on missions work with the Lord, my family has received great attacks of mysterious medical ailments, property damage, robberies, employee problems, and this list goes on. It is every single time without fail. My flesh always tells me I am such a failure as a husband and father to subject my wife and children to these kinds of attacks when I go. Others within the church have said the same in a nicer way. So this time, having to leave my wife and daughter to fend for themselves to fix a total project house, move, clean up the old house for the precious family buying it, running the ministry in my absence, taking care of all of my daughter's physical therapy for her surgically repaired knee, etc...caused these voices to ring loud and clear again. The only thing that convinces me to 'forsake' my family in this manner is Scripture. I cling dearly to Luke 14:33, "So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:25-33 for the whole story) But sometimes that grip slips, and I begin to take my eyes off Jesus and instead focus on the storms of life...much like my brother the Apostle Peter whom I judge. We as a family have learned to be confident in these calls to come here and trust that God's Grace is still in these situations. If I/we were in disobedience by me not going, God's Grace would be hindered. For every mysterious illness they have endured, they have all disappeared. For every employee that has quit, the Lord has sent a better one. I digress...
Now, read the message below about Grace. This was the lesson that the Lord gave me on Sunday just before all of this became known to me. You see, I was suppose to be giving Grace to those that did not "meet my expectations." ...But ashamedly I was not willing too. I actually was resisting giving the Grace I had just preached about. What an idiot.
When I went to email on Monday to try and work all of the details out with my wife, I had a bunch of emails that I did not have time to read because I was so busy venting and trying to fix things myself. After about 30 minutes, they had to close the internet for a while for maintenance, so I could not read the emails that were in my inbox. (It actually takes about 30 minutes to send 1 email here.)
So I spent the next couple of days just not getting all of this/ Especially the 'why' of it. According to my ignorant estimation, the Lord was not taking care of things back home for my wife and daughter, His children. It was only late Tuesday that I finally surrendered to the Lord for His will to be done according to His good purpose to will and do as He pleases.
Late Tuesday evening I walked into town to check on any progress on this dilemma; that is when I broke...no...shattered. I cannot even express how much I wept at the internet cafe as I began reading through the emails that were already there from Monday. These are the same ones that I did not have time to open due to my focus on 'sending' instead of 'receiving.' There, in my inbox all the time, were several offers from Old friends, New friends and people that I have never met that wanted to help my wife however they could, and I simultaneously received a call from my wife. Grace was there all along, but I was so busy not giving it that I could not receive it...and my family suffered. They could have had the grace earlier had I given grace.
Not only had the Lord raised up all of these brothers and sisters, but there was an old friend, a gifted contractor, that the Lord raised up to do the work properly at the house. After hearing my wife, it turns out that he has financial needs right now that I believe the Lord wants to bless. Yes it will cost us money we were not budgeting for, but if we can receive Grace, should we not be able to give it? Again, the Lord is working in more lives than just the McEwen's. I should have took my own homework and sought the Lord how I might be able to give Grace and not just seek it. God may have had to busy the lives of those originally offering to help in order to truly show His power, might and sovereignty by raising up His army. Is that not how He has always operated? When the odds are stacked against us, and we seem to have no way out, and things seem hopeless to the flesh...is that not when the Lord is able to show His might while simultaneously perfecting our faith?! I have taught it hundreds of times, but I seem to be a much worse student than teacher...forgive me Lord.
Some people have questioned about the appropriateness of public candor in relation to my personal failures. I too have questioned it, yet still feel it is the right thing. For starters, is this not what we see consistently in Scripture? We all know that Thomas was a Doubter; we know that Peter denied the Lord three times; seemingly the world has known King David's sin for thousands of years; Moses' failure that limited him from entering the promise land is clearly recorded in Scripture. The real stories about real people and their real failures and the lessons that can be learned from them are what makes up a great portion of the Holy Scriptures. Secondly, my trust in the Sovereignty of our God and the promises of Romans 8:28 give me peace that the Lord can use my public and private failures for His glory. Third, the Lord has burned 2 Corinthians 12:8 in my brain. "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Like Paul, I also have an infirmity in my speech and a thorn in my flesh; mine is likely different, but the purpose is the same...to keep us humble and keep us from being exalted above measure.
I have been blessed so much in hearing from the Lord and seeing Him do things that most people would not believe. The Lord has used my few times of obedience for His mighty glory, so my trust is for Him to use my plethora of failures for the same. After speaking at a church once a few years ago, a brother came up to me and praised me for my faith, obedience, and willing to be used by the Lord. But instead of responding with thanks and being appreciative of the boast, I had to tearfully confess to him that, 'you have only heard of the few times I have told the Lord "YES," but you don't know the countless times I have told Him, NO!" '
In this instance, the Lord brought to mind Genesis 18:17. Here is the account of the Lord's relationship with Abraham. It reads, "7And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;" The Lord was trying to give me the same mercy as He gave Abraham. The lesson He gave me on Grace was for such an hour as this. He was giving me a spiritual forecast for the storm headed my way as well as the directions to the appropriate shelter. But in my ignorance, I wanted to use the shelter I had built instead of His.
Struggling to give Grace as freely as I receive it, Randy.
Well, when I left the US, I had certain expectations as to how the Lord was going to move to accomplish building (remodeling) the house we are moving into (in only 2 weeks from when I left), and moving my wife and daughter while I am here building the Lord's house for His children in Malawi. I guess I had this expectation of this quid-pro-quo agreement that I had with the Lord that I would do things here the way He wanted, and He would do things at home in the way I wanted. What a joke right?! I can just imagine all of the hazing I will get in heaven from the Saints that went on before me, like Peter, Jonah, etc., for not getting the basics all the while dismayed with their behavior.
For the past three days, since Monday, I have been in the belly of a whale...just like my friend Jonah. And just like Jonah, mine was self-inflicted as well. It would probably help to explain.
For the past three days, I have been unable to blog because I was afraid that my "speech" would not be with "Grace." This was because the people that I thought the Lord was surely going to use, in my timeframe no less, were not able to help (or at least as much in our limited time frame) after all. I had actually considered paying a ridiculous fee to change my ticket to go home immediately, thereby running from what the Lord's call was for me here in this hour, because I was so hurt over the tears my wife was shedding as she was worried about things not getting done and having very little help.
You see, every time I have ever gone away (20++ trips) on missions work with the Lord, my family has received great attacks of mysterious medical ailments, property damage, robberies, employee problems, and this list goes on. It is every single time without fail. My flesh always tells me I am such a failure as a husband and father to subject my wife and children to these kinds of attacks when I go. Others within the church have said the same in a nicer way. So this time, having to leave my wife and daughter to fend for themselves to fix a total project house, move, clean up the old house for the precious family buying it, running the ministry in my absence, taking care of all of my daughter's physical therapy for her surgically repaired knee, etc...caused these voices to ring loud and clear again. The only thing that convinces me to 'forsake' my family in this manner is Scripture. I cling dearly to Luke 14:33, "So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:25-33 for the whole story) But sometimes that grip slips, and I begin to take my eyes off Jesus and instead focus on the storms of life...much like my brother the Apostle Peter whom I judge. We as a family have learned to be confident in these calls to come here and trust that God's Grace is still in these situations. If I/we were in disobedience by me not going, God's Grace would be hindered. For every mysterious illness they have endured, they have all disappeared. For every employee that has quit, the Lord has sent a better one. I digress...
Now, read the message below about Grace. This was the lesson that the Lord gave me on Sunday just before all of this became known to me. You see, I was suppose to be giving Grace to those that did not "meet my expectations." ...But ashamedly I was not willing too. I actually was resisting giving the Grace I had just preached about. What an idiot.
When I went to email on Monday to try and work all of the details out with my wife, I had a bunch of emails that I did not have time to read because I was so busy venting and trying to fix things myself. After about 30 minutes, they had to close the internet for a while for maintenance, so I could not read the emails that were in my inbox. (It actually takes about 30 minutes to send 1 email here.)
So I spent the next couple of days just not getting all of this/ Especially the 'why' of it. According to my ignorant estimation, the Lord was not taking care of things back home for my wife and daughter, His children. It was only late Tuesday that I finally surrendered to the Lord for His will to be done according to His good purpose to will and do as He pleases.
Late Tuesday evening I walked into town to check on any progress on this dilemma; that is when I broke...no...shattered. I cannot even express how much I wept at the internet cafe as I began reading through the emails that were already there from Monday. These are the same ones that I did not have time to open due to my focus on 'sending' instead of 'receiving.' There, in my inbox all the time, were several offers from Old friends, New friends and people that I have never met that wanted to help my wife however they could, and I simultaneously received a call from my wife. Grace was there all along, but I was so busy not giving it that I could not receive it...and my family suffered. They could have had the grace earlier had I given grace.
Not only had the Lord raised up all of these brothers and sisters, but there was an old friend, a gifted contractor, that the Lord raised up to do the work properly at the house. After hearing my wife, it turns out that he has financial needs right now that I believe the Lord wants to bless. Yes it will cost us money we were not budgeting for, but if we can receive Grace, should we not be able to give it? Again, the Lord is working in more lives than just the McEwen's. I should have took my own homework and sought the Lord how I might be able to give Grace and not just seek it. God may have had to busy the lives of those originally offering to help in order to truly show His power, might and sovereignty by raising up His army. Is that not how He has always operated? When the odds are stacked against us, and we seem to have no way out, and things seem hopeless to the flesh...is that not when the Lord is able to show His might while simultaneously perfecting our faith?! I have taught it hundreds of times, but I seem to be a much worse student than teacher...forgive me Lord.
Some people have questioned about the appropriateness of public candor in relation to my personal failures. I too have questioned it, yet still feel it is the right thing. For starters, is this not what we see consistently in Scripture? We all know that Thomas was a Doubter; we know that Peter denied the Lord three times; seemingly the world has known King David's sin for thousands of years; Moses' failure that limited him from entering the promise land is clearly recorded in Scripture. The real stories about real people and their real failures and the lessons that can be learned from them are what makes up a great portion of the Holy Scriptures. Secondly, my trust in the Sovereignty of our God and the promises of Romans 8:28 give me peace that the Lord can use my public and private failures for His glory. Third, the Lord has burned 2 Corinthians 12:8 in my brain. "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Like Paul, I also have an infirmity in my speech and a thorn in my flesh; mine is likely different, but the purpose is the same...to keep us humble and keep us from being exalted above measure.
I have been blessed so much in hearing from the Lord and seeing Him do things that most people would not believe. The Lord has used my few times of obedience for His mighty glory, so my trust is for Him to use my plethora of failures for the same. After speaking at a church once a few years ago, a brother came up to me and praised me for my faith, obedience, and willing to be used by the Lord. But instead of responding with thanks and being appreciative of the boast, I had to tearfully confess to him that, 'you have only heard of the few times I have told the Lord "YES," but you don't know the countless times I have told Him, NO!" '
In this instance, the Lord brought to mind Genesis 18:17. Here is the account of the Lord's relationship with Abraham. It reads, "7And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;" The Lord was trying to give me the same mercy as He gave Abraham. The lesson He gave me on Grace was for such an hour as this. He was giving me a spiritual forecast for the storm headed my way as well as the directions to the appropriate shelter. But in my ignorance, I wanted to use the shelter I had built instead of His.
Struggling to give Grace as freely as I receive it, Randy.
